DAY 5: RELEASE YOUR NEED TO CONTROL

Welcome to Day 5. Today we’re discussing the matter of control and blame and the life changing mantra “I am responsible for me, you are responsible for you.“

When we think we are powerless to the actions of others in order to feel a certain way or live a certain kind of life, of course we would want to control them. We disempower ourselves and limit ourselves when we do this, though, and it is completely unnecessary. Not only do other peoples’ actions not determine our emotions, actions, or results, but our don’t determine anyone else’s either. So you can release blame you’ve wrongfully put onto someone else, and you can hand back blame that someone else tried to put onto you. Radical personal emotional responsibility in relationships—we were socialized for the exact opposite, but this really is the most liberating and empowering way to be in relationship with others.

If you feel as if your wellbeing and peace of mind rely on other people, you will go to great lengths to make sure that they behave EXACTLY the way they need to in order for your mind to think positive, loving thoughts about those people.

When we have the misperception that our actions determine someone else’s feelings and visa versa, we attempt to manipulate and control because we don’t know how to handle it when someone is upset, especially when we think it was our responsibility to “make them happy“.

Whatever you’ve taken responsibility for that wasn’t yours, you’re allowed to put it down. You’re not violating anyone’s boundaries by choosing to not accept personal accountability for the way someone else thinks, feels, or acts. That’s their stuff, not yours.

With this understanding, you don’t have to feel obligated to behave a certain way in order to take care of someone else’s emotional wellbeing. You can release the need to control others because you have the emotional maturity to know that they don’t cause your emotions, and you don’t cause theirs. You can stop trying to manipulate them, no matter how positive your intent, and allow them space to live their own lives in whatever way they choose. You can embrace life, even in its uncertainty or disappointment, rather than bracing against it in fear and trying to prevent it from happening.

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The Work:

1. What in your life are you blaming on other people or circumstances?

2. How can you accept responsibility for the effects this is having in your life now no matter what happened in the past, and in doing so empower yourself to make the changes you want to make?

3. What circumstances in someone else’s life are they blaming on you? (Is this true? Are you assuming or projecting, or has this person specifically said this?)

4. How can you begin to put down the heavy block of guilt you may be carrying around about this? This doesn’t have to look like confrontation or anger, it could simply be an internal shift where you no longer take on the responsibility for the results in another adult’s life.

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That’s a wrap on the 5-Day Guide to Moving Beyond Codependency. What questions do you have for me, either about this lesson or another of the earlier 4 lessons?

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