DAY 2: BOUNDARIES & EXPECTATIONS

As recovering codependents, some of the most important work we will ever do is around setting and maintaining our boundaries. This also includes letting go of our expectations that we mistook as boundaries.

What most of us were conditioned to believe are boundary issues are often just issues with the expectations we have of others. Someone touching us without permission is a boundary issue. Someone not buying us flowers when we told them we wanted them to is absolutely not a boundary issue. Someone doing drugs in our house when we told them that this was not allowed in our house is a boundary issue. Someone doing drugs in their own home after you told them you don’t want them to do drugs is not a boundary issue. Someone wanting you to let them drive you home while they are drunk or tipsy is a boundary issue. Someone driving drunk or tipsy after you asked them not to is not a boundary issue.

The truth is, other people get to do whatever they want to do. Even illegal things. Even things you don’t approve of. That’s where your boundaries come into play. If you want to have a peaceful relationship with someone, learn to release your expectations for how someone behaves, but do not compromise your boundaries if their behavior violates them. For example, if your father doesn’t choose to recognize your same-sex relationship as legitimate and sometimes calls your partner derogatory names, you can choose to still have a peaceful relationship with him by not expecting him to think differently than he does, but also by deciding exactly how/when you want to interact with him if at all.

When you can release your expectations of people while simultaneously making sure you’re taking care of yourself and your own boundaries, resentment has nowhere to live in your life.

The other most common misconception with boundaries is that they have to be dramatic. Having a boundary often is a silent act that no one else knows about but you. Enforcing and maintaining a boundary is, once again, often a silent and calm act that doesn’t really have to involved anyone but yourself. Do you feel more comfortable setting and maintaining your boundaries now that you know you can have them without “taking a stand” or yelling or slamming any doors?

The Work:

1. Make a list of 3 boundary issues that you think might actually be expectation issues. How can you begin to release attachment to these expectations?

2. Observe your life for a moment and make a list of 3 actual boundaries you have for yourself and others. Do you like these boundaries? Do you want to keep them?

3. What is one boundary that you’d like to put in place in your life? Why? Make sure you love the boundary & love your reason for having it.

4. How can you treat yourself with love and respect by honoring and maintaining your own boundaries instead of expecting other people to do that work for you? Let me know here how this goes for you in practice.

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Tomorrow in Lesson 3, we will be talking about feeling your feelings instead of avoiding them or distracting away from them, thereby being able to connect more deeply with your inner guidance system. And who doesn’t want some of that???

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If you’d like some free 1:1 guidance on anything we covered in this lesson, click the button below to schedule some time with me.